If he cheats on you….. And you find out…. And you are not married yet to him…. That’s the nightmare situation you want to avoid. Whatever you do, don’t marry this man or have children with him for at least three years, and event then, be very careful. Cheaters like to marry a good woman then have kids, because she then feels trapped and he can string her along so she won’t leave.
It isn’t that there is no hope for him, and for this relationship, but it’s just that he is so unlikely to change. But, that doesn’t mean I am saying that cheaters never change. SOME do. Especially the one’s that are TRULY remorseful.
Now, you say he was crying, but the problem is that players are very good at faking emotions, including crying. I have known women and read of others in books, and on this site too, where the cheater/liar cried and acted so sorry…but it made no difference to their behaviour. If they were cheaters, they kept cheating….if they were actually married to someone else, they stayed married to their wife despite crying and saying they would divorce.
So, I wish I could say to you that his crying means he is really remorseful and so that means you have a chance, but I can’t actually do that. His saying he needs help could be real, or it could be what some cheaters do…make excuses for themselves…they can’t help it, etc.
Here’s the thing, hon. Of course they can help it. They can stop any time, but they really like what they are doing. Crying or not, cheating is a very, very selfish act…and selfish people are not good at giving up cheating so their partner can be happy.
And, remember, he carried out a very complicated deception over two years…he lied again and again…don’t you wonder how many times he lied and about what?
Worse, you know what you know, but what you don’t know is what I am worried about. Hon, it is very common for what you know to be the tip of the ice burg. Let’s face it…if he is on line cheating with these two women, don’t you seriously wonder if there are others? Don’t you wonder what else he has done that you don’t know about?
As to the specific question whether you can trust a cheater and a liar, the answer is very clear: NO, NO, NO, NEVER. Never trust him again. Now, if he volunteered for therapy, became totally open and honest, and never lied again, and was willing to do anything to make it right…then you can give it time, and experience is that it will take several years….perhaps two or three years, before you can relax a bit. But never trust him fully again.
Instead of guessing whether he is cheating, it’s far better to know, so you need as much information as possible. Now, it is not unusual for a cheater that gets caught to just become a more clever cheater…use private browsing, for instance, and have secret email accounts, etc.
You can put spyware on the computer so you can see everything he does…secretly, of course, and since he uses the computer to cheat, that would be a good idea.
You should have total access to his phone and go through it, and also go through his phone bill to see who he has been calling and texting…go back as far as you can. This way, you may find other women he has been involved with.
Spyware on his phone would work very well, example, Spy Bubble. You can see every text and hear every call, and you can turn on the phone’s mic at any time to hear everything that is being said in real time. Believe me, if he is cheating, you will know it FOR A FACT if you do this. Of course, keep what you are doing a secret.
I often say that a little truth is worth a million pounds of BS and lies from a cheater. So, no, DO NOT trust him. Instead, it is better to gather information secretly and KNOW whether or not he is still cheating.
Trust should be looked at like this…it is a reasonable conclusion from a very good understanding of the facts and a lot of information…that you make of a person’s character. Well, you have little actual information and what you do have tells you he has horribly bad character. So, until you can KNOW he is or is not cheating, you are in the dark, and so, if you took what he said at face value, that would be insane.
In the end, hon, the kindest and most important thing I can say to you is that CHARACTER COUNTS…counts more than any other thing. The kind of person someone is makes them a good candidate for a long term relationship/marriage, or not. If the person, for instance, is kind, considerate, and very giving (not selfish), caring, loving, honest, and faithful, and discusses and negotiates your differences, and has true intimacy, well he will be a good bet…a keeper.
Intimacy = IN TO ME SEE. That is, when he is like a window, not like a wall. He let’s you see everything about himself, good and bad. He doesn’t hide anything from you, ever. Not ever.
As you can see, intimacy is totally foreign to him, and that is very bad news. He also lacks the qualities of character that would make him a keeper.
So, it is your decision, hon…it’s up to you. But whatever you do, do it with your eyes open….be very alert, and do not trust him. Also, get yourself tested for STD’s. Sorry, but the reality of living with a cheater is you are at risk for all sorts of things.
Keep us posted….good luck, hon, and God bless. I will pray for you.